Dying to see you
by Shire cat
Summary: But it shouldn't be like this. R&R please!


Judas' thoughts during 'Could We Start Again, Please?'

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_I have been living to see you…_

Tell me this isn't happening. Oh God, tell me this isn't happening. Don't make me watch. No, please…

_Dying to see you-_

He's bleeding, oh God, he's bleeding. I can't look...Oh God, I can smell it. Thick like metal. I can smell his blood. His blood that will always be on my hands. "And God said to Cain 'Your brother's blood crieth out to me from the earth…'". I'm Cain. That's who I am. Bloody, damned Cain; slayer of his brother out of selfishness and jealousy.

_-but it shouldn't be like this. _

Some brother I am.

I abandoned him when he needed me most. I condemned him to his death… Yahweh, it's streaming down him. He's covered in blood. It looks almost like he's sweating it out, like he's dying down from his very pores, sweating out his life, his substance, his soul…Oh God, don't look at me! No, not with those eyes. So full of pain and suffering, the ever-present light finally going out…Like a dying oil lamp, flickering and flickering for one final sputter…

_This was unexpected_

I didn't mean this. God knows I didn't mean this. I didn't really want to hurt you. Teach you a lesson maybe. Save my own worthless hide, yes. But not hurt you. Not kill you. Who'd thought it'd get this far? Our movement, our difficulties…everything. I can't believe this is even happening. I'm numb. And cold, so cold…

_What do I do now?_

I can't just stand here…Oh Hell, he's screaming. He's screaming, he's screaming, can't they hear him screaming? I can't take any more. Stop, STOP!

_Could we start again, please?_

I wish I could take it back. The betrayal, the kiss, the words…everything. He doesn't deserve this. The other guys, how are they going to take this? Mary? What about her?

This'll hurt them, kill them even. God knows they're already waiting to boil me alive for turning him in. Simon and Peter got a few good punches in when I came with the soldiers. My arm is still killing me. Not that I don't deserve it.

_I've been very hopeful so far._

I don't know how I thought I'd survive this. This whole ordeal from the minute I doubted, to the thirty pieces of silver I was paid for my soul to tainted kiss of hatred. God, what the Hell was I thinking?

_Now for the first time I think we're going wrong_

His breathing is labored. Very labored. He's not moving… Oh God, I'm going to be sick.

Don't die, please don't die…

_Hurry up and tell me this is all a dream or could we start again_

He's, he's alive. He's moving. I know he is.

_(could we start again please?)_

Make this stop, God make this stop.

_I think you've made your point now._

He's still fighting. He would, too. He's going down still being obstinate even though he's lost. Not literally fighting but struggling, clinging onto his life. You can see the fire in his eyes.

_You've even gone a bit too far to get the message home_

He's looking at me again. What does that look mean? I can't tell. Pain, hurt, betrayal?

Hatred?

_Before it gets too fright'ning; we'd like to call a halt._

No, just sadness. Wise sadness, like he knows something I don't. What is it, Jesus?

What's that sound?

_So, could we start again, please?_

That's me, isn't it? I'm screaming. Just screaming. Can he hear me? It wouldn't matter if he could.

What could I possibly say to him?

I love you?

I didn't intend this?

I'm sorry?

_(Could we start again please?)_

Forgive me?

_I have been living to see you…_

Master, Rabbi, my teacher.

My best friend.

_Dying to see you-_

The only time I've been alone with him, really alone with him in so long…

_-but it shouldn't be like this_

And I'm watching him get beaten to death.

_This was unexpected_

On my instruction.

_What do I do now?_

That's what that look means, isn't it? He knows I have to live with what I've done.

_Could we start again, please?_

I didn't want this.

_Could we start again, please?_

I didn't want to kill him.

_I've been very hopeful so far._

I've really done it.

_I think you've made your point now._

I've broken up the only 'family', so to speak, I've ever had. Condemning one of the only people who ever cared about me.

_You've even gone a bit too far to get the message home_

And he'll accept it; pain and all.

_Before it gets too fright'ning; we'd like to call a halt._

Jesus Christ is breathing out what's probably his last breath in front of me.

_So, could we start again, please?_

And I can't stop it.

_(could we start again please?)_

I can't fix it

_So, could we start again, please?_

Everything comes down to this.

_(could we start again please?)_

Couldn't we just…Could we start again?

_Could we start a-gain?_

Please?

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Reviews are nice. Hint, hint.


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